Changes Made to my Introduction Post

1st Change:

Old: “My Goal: Live life to the fullest surrounded by amazing people!”

New: “My Goal: Live life to the fullest with amazing people!”

Reason:

This is a simple word change to make the sentence simpler. I also find that the new sentence is better phrased because the word with is inclusive, whereas the word surrounded isn’t. The new sentence makes the message easily scannable and clearer to my readers.

 

2nd Change:

Old: “Beauty Tips ‘n Tricks features exactly that, useful tips and tricks related to makeup, skincare and all things beauty related!”

New: “Beauty Tips ‘n Tricks features useful nuggets of wisdom related to makeup, skincare and all things beauty related!”

& **INSERTS IMAGE**

Screen Shot 2017-03-06 at 8.39.46 PM

Reason:

I decided to eliminate the wordiness in this sentence by removing the unnecessary words “exactly that,”. I also eliminated some repetition by removing, “useful tips and tricks” and replacing it with “useful nuggets of wisdom”. The sentence is now easier to read, not repetitive and includes more plain language for my audience.

The reason I inserted the image here is so that it is right underneath the introduction of myself and goes directly beside the “Facts about me”. This photo allows my audience to see what I look like so that they can put a face to the name, and feel like they’re having a conversation with me, a real person.

 

3rd Change:

Old: You’re probably wondering how I have time for this, between exams, work and a social life, so let me explain.

Makeup has been a hobby of mine since I was 14 years old, and skincare/ the beauty industry for the past 5 years.

Now that I am enrolled in a program that allows me to express and explore my creativity, I am ecstatic to have been able to start this blog about my true passion.

New: You’re probably wondering how I have time for this, between exams, work and a social life, so let me explain.

Makeup has been a hobby of mine since I was 14 years old. I have always aspired to become a beauty blogger, I just never knew where to start. I have been in college for long 3 years so far and it has given me the guidance I needed to follow my passion.

So now during the busiest time of my life, I know where to begin!

Reason:

I realize that the second sentence was choppy and may not be easy to read so I eliminated the second half, “and skincare/ the beauty industry for the past 5 years”. The next sentence wasn’t very clear and included terms that I don’t think are very relatable to my audience. I decided to scratch that whole sentence and re-write it. The two new sentences are much easier to read because they flow together and use plain terms that my audience will understand.

The last sentence was added as a reinforcement statement relating back to the beginning of this section, “You’re probably wondering how I have time for this, between exams, work and a social life, so let me explain.”. I used this sentence to justify the information I gave my audience about myself and reassure them that I know what I’m doing. By giving my audience a personal story about myself it will allow my readers to authenticate me.

 

4th Change:

Old: “I will be regularly posting about different products and topics weekly, however feel free to send me an email or comment on my posts with a product or topic that you would like to know about, and if I have any advice to give I will definitely post it!

New: “I will be posting about different products and topics weekly, but feel free to send me an email or comment on my posts with a request and I will do my best to post the answers asap.”

& **INSERTS IMAGES**

Screen Shot 2017-03-06 at 9.00.54 PM

Reason:

The purpose of this section is to engage my audience by addressing their needs. The original post is too long, wordy and repetitive. I removed words that weren’t needed and changed the last sentence completely. The new sentences’ message is clear and concise. My message and call to action are now easy to read and understand, giving me a better chance that my audience will actually engage.

These 2 images were inserted right after mentioning that I will be discussing different products and topics weekly. Showing the audience a snippet of what’s to come may intrigue them to check back about any of the products shown. Including images also makes the whole post more interesting and appealing to the reader.

Using images caters to the f-pattern as well, making it easy to grab the reader’s attention and breaking up the post to make it easier to read.

 

5th Change:

Old: If you care about makeup, skincare or anything related to the beauty industry Beauty Tips ‘N Tricks is here to help! – Boys, this means you too. Everyone should give a crap about their hygiene!

New: If you care about makeup, skincare or anything related to the beauty industry be sure to check my blog weekly for new posts – Boys, this means you too.

Take a few minutes to give a crap about yourself!

xo,

Crystal

Reason:

Instead of telling my readers what they already know (“Beauty Tips ‘N Tricks is here to help!”), I wanted to give an extra call to action. I am not being aggressive or assertive, but just giving my audience a re-cap of what they’ll be getting and when to revisit my site.

I thought that the last comment “Everyone should give a crap about their hygiene!” could come across as rude, and isn’t really relevant anyway. The focus of my blog isn’t hygiene, and I didn’t mention anything to do with hygiene in the rest of the post. I took that out and replaced it with a better statement, “Take a few minutes to give a crap about yourself!” to tell my readers that they should care about themselves and they can definitely do it by reading my blog.

I ended off with a web-signature, “xo, Crystal” to become more personal with my users. By signing off as my name it certifies to my readers that I am the one writing to them. It also gives the blog post more structure than just ending it.

 

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